I knew I was pregnant. You know, that feeling you get when things don’t feel quite right? When you wake up vomiting? Yeah, that’s how I knew FOR SURE I was pregnant.
I immediately texted my friends. I peed on a stick just to verify and sure enough, it turned bright pink. I took a pic and sent it to my husband. We pretty much knew – but this was just a friendly verification.
My husband and I had been trying and by trying I mean we high-fived in the hallway and BAM, pregnant.
So, this wasn’t a shock or surprise. I quickly calculated the due date – Valentine’s Day. How fun! I was almost six weeks pregnant. Almost.
I didn’t tell my parents because I had this elaborate plan to surprise them with my pregnancy. They were planning to come visit me in a couple weeks and I was going to tell my mom that she needed to accompany me to a random appointment – only the appointment would be an ultrasound!
As the day went on I started to feel really sick. Not just my normal I’m sick from pregnancy but so sick that I could barely get off the floor after vomiting. I felt like I had a fever and started to get the chills. This was not normal. But I still had two other kids to take care of so I shuttled everyone to all of their activities despite how I felt.
And then the cramping. The cramping was unbearable. Pain engulfed my entire back. That’s when I knew something was really wrong.
By the time I got home I had started bleeding. I called my husband to find out what I should do. He suggested going to the ER, especially given that I was feverish. He headed home and I headed to the ER.
At the ER the Doctor did an ultrasound and found a tiny little sack – that hadn’t attached itself, yet. Basically, the sack would either attach over the weekend or I would continue to bleed and my answer would be just that.
As I sat waiting to get my blood drawn my best friend called. She was SO excited that I was pregnant. And then I told her I was sitting in the ER having a miscarriage. She started balling. I felt like I should also be balling, but I felt nothing. I was just numb.
I tried reliving the last few days to try and figure out what I had done to make this happen. What if I had just changed one or two actions, would that mean I would still be pregnant and giving birth on Valentine’s Day?
Two years later I now have my rainbow baby. And while I don’t think about the miscarriage every day, every time Valentine’s Day comes up in conversation or around the holiday I can’t help but think about the baby that never was.